Baby shoes


I’ve no sympathy about this one. Baby shoes are stupid.

Those £20-£30 Nike, Converse, Adidas* shoes for babies who can’t walk? Stupid! And if you buy a pair, you’re stupid too. No arguments. Because, and this is important, you will not use them.

I doubt Chinese sweatshop workers even bother to stitch those shoes together properly. You could have ten kids and they probably wouldn’t even get scuffed.

Your baby is growing! Swelling! Expanding! Exploding! The time period in which your baby can wear these shoes before they start pinching their useless feet is about the same time it took to conceive in the first place, all those nights ago. But you don’t buy conception shoes do you?

Your Angel: (pointing at the pair of shoes on the mantelpiece) “Mummy, what are those?

You: “Those? Our little keepsake! Those are Daddy’s conception shoes. He was wearing them the night we made you” (You give your darling’s cheek a little squeeze) “Ah, it’s hard to believe he was once that virile!”

The Apple of Your Eye: “….”

You probably got your pair from a friend, didn’t you? Your stupid single friend most likely. Next time, you should probably ask your friend to go out and buy a nice pair for you instead. It’s not like we’ve got time for shoe shopping anymore.

Photo credit: el patojo

* Other vastly overpriced brands are available


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