The Passion of the Egg


Of course, Easter Eggs should be considered purchase mistakes. It’s not original of me to point out the incongruity between our Lord’s ascendency home and gorging on shiny, hollow, chocolate ostrich eggs. I wouldn’t be the first to grumble about the monstrous overpricing of said shiny, hollow, chocolate ostrich eggs which, when melted down, weigh the same as a finger of Fudge. Surely, if Jesus Christ returned, this rampant commercialism and, let’s face it, gross overpricing would no doubt lead to him upending display tables in the local Tesco in a holy rage. After all, he was a renowned scrimper.

Our children don’t get any from us. I’m not sure how disappointed they are – nor care much either. Our anti-Easter egg campaign starts on the 10th of January, when Easter eggs start appearing in shops. It’s important to stay ahead of the game. It begins with derisory comments said under the breath, when passing the egg aisle: “Twenty Euros for a chocolate? Who in their right mind would pay for that?!”, “Y’know, there’s more chocolate in a Dairy Milk than in one of those eggs!”, “I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t be happy if he came back and saw all these chocolate eggs!”. The secret is not to overdo it. You don’t want to glamourise them by drawing attention to them too much, but enough that they shouldn’t get their hopes up. Also, try to avoid having to answer questions concerning the historical accuracy of the Easter story!

If this technique doesn’t work, I recommend getting some good grandparents. Good grandparents are like good financial wingmen. They can take this expense on the chin while you desperately save your money to cover the cost for a term or two in a 2030 post-Cameron university – well hopefully post-Cameron.

Another idea: as the clocks went forward last weekend, why don’t you try your own time-travel by putting the clocks three days back? “Easter Sunday? Why, that’s next Wednesday!” This will give you ample time to take advantage of the post-Easter egg clearances!

Best three words in the English language!

Did you know the Russian Orthodox Church celebrates Christmas on January 7th? The savings alone are reason enough to convert! I see no drawbacks to this. The famous “Marshmallow Test” conducted in Stanford University argued that children’s ability to delay gratification was a good indicator of future academic and career success. I’m just helping my angels be all they can be! If you don’t know this study, check out this fun video.


In the end, I compromised. After dashing their dreams of ever getting an egg, I set up an Easter egg hunt around the house (with play dough eggs), and after we indulged with one Cadbury’s Creme Egg each (including mum and dad). They were as ecstatic as Charlie Bucket on his birthday!


A little aside – Cadbury! What the hell?! Granted, CCEs are not hollow, but I told my sons these eggs were a rich, sticky, runny, messy taste sensation! Have my memories faded or have you changed the recipe? They weren’t rich nor at all runny – just a bit, kind of, frosty!

In my day ….


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